PASSAGE: Date, Mate, Consummate | Lesson 06

PASSAGE: Date, Mate, Consummate | Lesson 06

Whom Shall I Date?: What standards should we uphold and let go in selecting a partner

June 15, 2014 | Susan Lue

Introduction: What do you look for in a person you date seriously or marry? We all have ‘checklists’ when considering this questions and they could include: deep spiritual commitment to God, one who loves God’s Word, smart & witty, attractive, likes sports, fun, leader, etc. Yet, in reality, relationships don’t fall apart because someone doesn’t meet these criteria. Instead, it’s often: ‘so controlling I feel smothered’, ‘so irresponsible’, ‘emotionally disconnected; can’t understand how I feel’, ‘anger scares me’, ‘lies’, ‘perfectionist, always down on him/her self’, etc. A large chasm exists between these two lists; therefore we must reset our ‘checklists’.

1. Your boundaries: Are you too limiting or not limiting enough in your expectations of significant others?
• Some preferences are more important than you’ve realized before; value them more
• Some imperfections are minor; learn to deal with them
• Some imperfections are major; they are off limits; you should not have to live with them
• Be open. The person you are attracted to may not necessarily be good for you.
2. Their balance: Look for a person who understands their limitations—who has found some balance
• If they fear intimacy, they may attract/become a detached person
• If they fear autonomy, they may attract a controlling person; become passive
• If they fear reality, they may attract/become perfectionistic/fantasy/unrealistic person
• If they fear their own sinfulness, they may attract/accept ‘bad’, ‘more sinful’ people than their self.
• If they fear their neediness, they may attract weak, passive people
• If they have unresolved family issues, they may attract people like their troubled parent(s)
3. The NEW Checklist:
• Common Interests: allows ease of spending time together
• Common goals: determines how you spend your free time
• *If you don’t know your own, true interests and goals, you’re not ready for a serious relationship.
• Common values:
• Matthew 7:18: Are your common values good? Your relationship will reflect and grow in that direction (is it full of criticism, thorns and thistles, bad tree cannot bear good fruit)
• Galatians 5: Fruits of the Spirit. Fill your relationship with evidence of spiritual fruit
• I Corinthians 12: Explore with one another your spiritual gifts and how to exercise them
• I Timothy 2: Grow in supplications, prayers, supplications, giving of thanks; be saved in Jesus; your motivation is to strive for godliness
• I Timothy 3: Blameless, temperate, sober minded, good behavior, hospitable, apt to teach, not violent, not given to wine, not greedy; holding faith in pure conscience; boldness in faith in Christ Jesus
• 2 Corinthians 6:14-18: Unequally yoked—a relationship lacking in common values found in God’s Word. Can differ in spiritual maturity if committed to continual growth. Relationships difficult if interests, goals, values are not in common. Spend time sharing/discovering what are your common values.
4. Warning signs of potential daters

• Minor Imperfections (Yellow Light): No one is perfect; every person you date will sin and let you down. But look out for areas of a person that still has success in a relationship with God, able to see their wrongs, honesty, motivation to repent and change, and commitment towards growth.
• Major Imperfections (Red Light): ‘Lethal’ behavior, ‘deal breakers’, and irreconcilable differences: perversity, evil, vile things, wickedness, slander, physical, mental, and/or verbal abuse.
• Destructive Personal Traits: act to cover weaknesses and imperfections, religious instead of spiritual, defensive, argumentative, apologizes instead of changes, stagnant, addict, and a liar.
• Destructive Interpersonal Traits: avoids closeness, controlling, flatters, condemns, gossips, slanders, overly jealous, suspicious, angry, instability.

Conclusion: Give a relationship a chance until:

• Pattern of hurt doesn’t change
• Behavior keeps relationship from truly being good (try to be realistic; look to God’s Word)
• STOP! Face the person/issue directly (take someone with you if it’s safer). Require truth with kindness.
• Look for the response. Do not go forward with commitment unless real change.
• Take a break--as long as it takes. Pray for God’s intervention for the other person or your own good with or without the relationship
• Resume—only if red lights are gone and trust is restored
• The best test for who you should date lies in God’s Word—make that your check list!